The cat has been fed.

No matter what she tells you.

"The cat has been fed, no matter what she tells you." This line has become one of those mainstay phrases in our house.

It might be the single phrase we say to each other the most.

It's a little less weird if you've met the cat. She will play us against each other if allowed. Even with preemptive counter-measures to discourage her from trying to coerce extra food, she is still rather persistent. It's not uncommon for her to start pestering me between 2-4pm for supper if I'm home. She gets fed no earlier than 6pm. I've never taught or responded to the "hungry" button, though she uses it frequently anyway. It's also possible to gauge how delectable something is by how quickly she shows up. She seems to think ice cream, steak, cheese, and certain soups are particularly intriguing.

Bessie just appears from nothingness any time there is ice cream. For the longest time, I could not figure out why because she had never tasted ice cream, or so I thought. One day I asked this question out loud and my husband responded, "well…" Apparently she had tasted ice cream. So the true status of her knowledge of the other items can neither be confirmed nor denied at this time.

This may seem a little harsh, but it comes from a good place. I'm not as vehemently opposed to pets having table food as some of my colleagues (I grew up with farm pets that disposed of leftovers on occasion). I just have some pretty compelling reasons to eliminate almost all of it from our pets' diets, like knowing what it costs to treat pancreatitis. I really just want everyone to be happy, healthy, and avoid puke on the carpet.

Either way, it's not uncommon for me to have the "could lose a little weight" conversation with owners of my patients. The response is pretty common too, "I don't know what to do, I've tried 10+ different foods and they WON'T eat <appropriate specie> food."

To which I respond, "If I'm hungry, I'll eat broccoli. If I'm breathing, I'll eat ice cream."

I usually say this in conversations about chubby to ottoman-shaped critters that "won't eat dog/cat food" when I'm trying to get someone to realized that they have been PLAYED. We all know we get trained by our cats. They're pretty up front about whose world they think we all live in and who pays rent does not factor into the decision. We choose to fight the good fight on the daily or let them rule the house, those are the options. Dogs somehow are a little less obvious manipulators to us, but it is amazing what kind of culinary tricks they can train their owners into!

Let me give you a noncomprehensive list of things reportedly fed to my patients: actual ice cream, chicken nuggets, steak, roast, cheeseburgers, quail eggs…

[Sidebar: If your dog weighs (or should weigh) 10# and you weigh 150-200#, your dog eating 1 cheeseburger would be sort of like you eating 15-20 cheeseburgers. Think about that. It seems a little excessive.]

…treats, cat food, a creative rotation of wet food, cheese, and full-on people food meals. Some of these dogs eat better than me! And I can make a mean cheesecake and tiramisu!

Also, I do actually like broccoli, just not as much as ice cream.

Unfortunately, my metabolism won't support me eating ice cream recreationally AND fitting into most of my pants. In case this seems a little blunt, I also frequently note during these conversations that I would make an excellent feedlot heifer. It's unfortunate that my stellar Feed:Gain ratio just means I need to eat less cake. In many cases I am, relatively speaking, actually picking on someone my own size. Since I’m the rent-paying, opposable thumb-having adult, that means I have to choose not to eat ice cream recreationally…..or choose not to have it in my house often because my will power is weaker than my dog's.

I do have a border collie that would prefer a mean game of fetch over food most of the time. There are many ways she truly gets me, but this is not one of them. I digress.

I'm not saying no pet should ever get a treat or a taste of cheese. I am saying that they will, in fact, eat dog food (and cat food) if they are hungry enough to eat healthy things. They're really quite fortunate there are so many great options for well-balanced nutrition and someone to buy it and keep them accountable. I have often thought how nice it would be to have a metabolic-type food that would do as good of a job helping me lose weight as some of the prescription foods I recommend. Let's be honest, though. There's a good chance I would sneak something from the counter every now and again too.

Happy New Year, friends! May your resolutions succeed and your accountability bring success and not tantrums. :)

*Disclaimer: Do not underestimate the hunger strike capabilities of a middle age, opinionated, stubborn tiny dictator with fur. These battles should be had under the guidance of your veterinarian and when the critter is otherwise in good health because some of these critters will turn their nose up at a new or healthy food for 3-5 days. I am not exaggerating. Cats really should eat every day, so you can see how execution of this can be complicated. Please call or talk with your vet if your critter is that stubborn so they can help you work through it. We generally welcome being involved in the process to make it go as safely and smoothly as possible.

Tails from the Front Porch

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I love this time of year. It’s worth all the disorientation and semi-futile attempts to avoid food comas. I hope it’s been wonderful for you. I could sort of use someone to tell me I’ve already been fed, no matter what I tell you. It gets a little easier after all the cookies have been eaten.

I have friends who make resolutions, others who pick a “word of the year,” and many who do a great job of using this time to switch gears or just reflect on what is/is not working. I don’t really have a specific tradition or process, but watching what others do gives me some ideas. They encourage me to sit down and make my somewhat free-spirit self at least try to make an outline. Below are a few posts from December, and some ideas to mull over as you move into the new year. I would love to hear what your goals, plans, or new year’s rituals are in the comments!

New Year, New Questions?: If you’re walking into the new year feeling a little disoriented, you’re in the right place! God asked me some really good questions on New Year’s Eve. I don’t have all the answers, but I know the One who does!

Why Do You Believe?: This question kept coming to mind leading up to Christmas. It’s a question I’ve always welcomed, and hope you will too. It may seem like an odd question, but I want Christmas (and Easter) to be more than just holidays. So why do you believe what you do?

Join Me in Seeking God as We Start the New Year: If you’re still deciding what you want 2024 to have in store for you (or if you just want to do normal day-to-day stuff and not feel pressured to make a thing out of it), I have some resources. Check out this post for some prayer ideas and some organizational things that have helped this free spirit.

Expectation of Arrival This Side of Heaven=Disappointment: You’ve probably heard of SMART goals. I certainly had. What I didn’t realize was how my lack of “SMART” goals was leaving me stuck in a frustrating place. The perspective shifts were really life-giving to me.

Study the Book of Esther: Join me! In case you haven’t been on social media, I’ve complied a short summary and a few things that stuck out to me from each chapter. We made it through all 10 chapters just before Christmas, but it’s still available to use any time. Read along and share what sticks out to you in the comments!